If you don't already know me, I've always been one who chased celebs - muscians, actors etc etc. And to be honest, I've put some of these "famous" people on a higher pedestal than my own friends. Scroll through my Instagram and more than half my posts are with celebs. It's been an issue for me the past 3 years. From just starting to know local celebs, to going crazy over 987 DJs, it then expanded to radio DJs in general. Not forgetting actresses and of course mainly, the local music scene. Not even gonna lie, I myself feel that I can get obssessed over chasing certain celebs. Its just a thing for me I guess. To crave for affirmation. And when these celebs they know and recognize you - that feeling you know you can't shake it off. I never noticed how out of hand it had been till writing this post.
But this post won't be about any celeb nor will it be me fangirling over people.
The past 4 months have been extremely tough for me. If you know why, you are one special person because I don't speak out much now. But yes, It's been the toughest season and I just had one of the roughest day ever - Sunday, 20 November 2016. 37 hours without sleep, had an emotional breakdown in church before 9 hours at work. It was a day I am glad its over. That feeling from yesterday spilled over to today. Woke up feeling worse than at night. But that isn't the main point.
Yesterday taught me so much. I've lost trust in people and am wary of anyone I know, especially those who try to break the walls I've built. I've built walls so high to keep others out, and now it keeps me in. I'm afraid of breaking these walls down, and even more afraid of people who attempt to break them down. Never liked being alone, but I've isolated myself for awhile now. But I am so thankful for friends who pull me back together whilst I'm falling apart. And it made me realize how much I've neglected the people I care about because I was so caught up chasing celebs. Broke down so hard yesterday and I felt so lost - Why was I feeling how I felt? Why was I even crying? What was happening to me? What's wrong with me? One thing led to another and I literally lost my mind. Thankfully, a close friend was there for me and she was encouraging me and gave me strength. I was a wreck. But still she didn't give up on me. For the first time in a long while, I felt loved. Her hug was so warm, it melted the ice cold heart of mine. And she's been the one that helped me through a ton all these years despite the mistakes I've made and the occasions when I hurt her.
Yesterday taught me to value my friends. That I should always be appreciative of the people who care about me. That I shouldn't keep focusing my time just on chasing idols but to really spend time with the ones close to me. I've always loved doing cards because I love receiving them, but just doing cards isn't enough I guess. A friendship has to be built based on trust and getting to know each other. And being vulnerable should never make one feel weak.
Yesterday taught me that I am loved. I've always felt left out, that I'm the odd one out, that I'm "extra", even if it's jut in my head. But she reminded me that I was loved, no matter how I felt or how much I blamed myself. It was what really pulled me back I guess.
Yesterday taught me that I need to learn to love myself. Ask anyone who knows me, and they will agree with me when I say that I've struggled with self love for the longest time. I have no trouble loving on others. I am more than willing to do anything or spend on gifts for the people I love and care about. But when it comes to myself? It's the total opposite. I can't even look at myself in the mirror for more than 5 seconds because I will feel disgusted at myself. I'm not even willing to spend on getting something simple like a pen for myself. I don't know why it has always been a struggle. Heck, I don't know if it's a good thing or a a bad thing. Someone important to me once said
" You're one of the few people I know that is so selfless with such enthusiasm. I hope you never let that go. You've learnt to love others more than you love yourself and that's not an easy thing to come by. " but if I guess you can't truly and fully love someone you love yourself right?
Treasure the people you love and care about - be it you friends, your family, or your other half. Because at the end of the day, they will always be the ones there for you and not those idols that you chase.
