Insecurities, Overthinking, Love.

Some people don't understand how bad insecurities and overthinking can really do to a person. Most of the times, its these exact reasons that drive people to end their life, falling into depression is common too. Insecurities can be as small as thinking you aren't good enough or hearing a group of people laughing when you walk past and think that its something you did. And most of the time insecurities are there because of the actions of people, the words of people. Soon, you find yourself thinking the worst of yourself, assuming every negative situation is your fault. Overthinking. One thing leads to another and everything just snowballs and you will find yourself in a place where you don't even have any glimpse of hope or positivity in your life. 

Everything is fake. The smiles so wide, the laughs so loud. You convince everyone that you are doing fine, that you're ok, that nothing can bring you down. Heck, sometimes you fake it so well till you're convinced yourself. But once you are at home, when you are in your room, when you sit on that window edge every night to think. EVERYTHING and I mean everything just crashes. The floods of tears won't stop, the blood from the scars won't stop the emotional hurts, the voices in your head won't shut up - sometimes real words from the people closest to you. 

You lose friendships, you lose love, you lose trust, you lose faith, you lose hope, you lose everything. Including yourself.

Sometimes all you need is for people to see that behind everything, you're a broken girl. Like how this broken girl tries to be there for people who feel down or going through though times, she herself needs someone to be there for here from time to time to. Don't just shove it aside and tell her to learn to be independent. For all you know the reason she's going crazy and driving herself insane without telling anyone anything at all is because she's been trying to be independent, So when she does go to you, it really means shes at the peak of really giving up once and for all. 

You don't know what people around you are going through. That girl on the street with a smile on her face while out with her friends may be having problems at home, that guy you see drinking every night might be trying to run away from reality that he's facing problems at work. 

Be kind to one another, don't treat anyone else the way you wouldn't want to be treated. Learn to love and be kind to others even if they don't deserve it. Learn to forgive even though you'll never forget. Learn to be the one to apologize first even though you aren't at fault - it shows that you treasure the other party more than your pride. Be the bigger person. It's not easy I know, I myself am still learning.

People may not see your efforts and sacrifices, but you just gotta keep going. Do it because you love them and not because you want to gain their approval or recognition. Do it, For Love. And remember to always, always. Take Heart. 

To the person that inspires me so much, you're the one who taught me to learn to love. Your words are the ones that pushes me to stay strong and to keep fighting. Our stories are similar in so many areas, our personality and thinking are similar as well. You are the one that taught me too pursue my dreams. If you do happen to see this, thank you for  everything. For sharing me your life story though you didn't have to, for always being so encouraging to me whenever I am feeling down. For the random mini chats and messages we had. You're such a strong fighter and I only hope to be like you one day. I love you so so much. Don't ever doubt yourself at what you do because you've inspired so many girls out there and I am so grateful to have known you. 

Life.

Did you ever put your heart, soul and mind into something and work extremely hard to achieve it but in the end it just backfires? Have you ever put so much into something but people don't see it because someone goes to them with some sort of talent and sacrifices don't even begin to matter anymore. Even the results of things aren't always positive. I guess that's just life, you don't always get what you want. 

No matter what you do behind the scenes, or even in front of them. People may not appreciate it. And these people always generalize, using words like " never " or " always " just because they don't see what you do or see it very few times. People sometimes even leave or turn their back on you. 

Sooner or later, you just find yourself giving up on the things that matter most or don't put in any more effort. You panic for awhile and try to get things back on track but then you get tired again, you sink in deeper and the cycle continues. 

Life sucks. People eventually die. And that's just all to it sometimes. Whether or not you want to make the best of it really is a choice to make. 

The past 3 months has honestly not been easy. Emotional roller coasters throughout, massive mood swings, insecurities at an all time high. I could have a really good day but end up crying all through the night, and vice versa. It's been really tough, especially putting on a fake smile and front, convincing everyone around me that I am absolutely fine.  Heck some times I really fake it so well I almost convinced myself too. The only thing I didn't fall back to doing was smoking, because a special someone told me to stop. Even though she is no longer talking to me much anymore. But everything else... I fell back into the pit deeper and more exhausted than ever. And I started to screw my life up. Studies, friends, family. Even the thing I love the most. It's crazy how so many things has changed just over the past 3 months that I don't even know who I am anymore. Trust has also become an issue.

Too much hurt and disappointments, that were mostly my fault. Too much pain emotionally that prolonged till it hurt physically. Too much mess and drama created to get out of. Too many voices in my head that I can't shut them up. Too many nights spent thinking about people who probably don't give two fucks about me anymore. 

If it hurts, bleed it out on this guitar

I'll translate all these emotions into song writing. I'll bleed it all out on my guitar. I'll still keep on fighting, not going to give up on life just yet. There are still people I care about that I'm not willing to say goodbye yet. I'll still continue to learn to love others and myself no matter who they are or what happens. Because what I learnt about love, I learnt from that one person who inspires me so much. If you happen to see this, you know I love you so so much.