Moving On

Hey guys! So my past few posts have been rather emotional ones and was me having a heavy heart. But today's post I promise will be of a different note! Though it'll be a short one.

Moving on - 18 years, so many ups and downs. Been in a valley for the longest time, where words mattered so much, where actions of others proved to me that I could not trust, where people brought out the ugly side of me. I've had an issue where I would blame myself for everything, trying to fight for people who won't even move an inch for me, trying to console myself that some people will ALWAYS be worth it. 2 months ago, I started a drama - necessary nonetheless. At first I would wish that I just shut up, pretend I didn't know some stuff. But hey, I've learnt a lot from the whole incident. I still tried to savage the friendships, I still tried to make up for what I did, and people would continue to affect me, every single little detail mattered in life. To the point I felt miserable and even lost myself. I would get jealous just seeing pictures of these " friends " together and sometimes still tried to be there for them when I saw them feeling down. But still time and again I only got more scars and disappointments just kept coming. Looking back, I have no regrets.

Today, I am happy to say that I have finally moved on. Today, I can say I have completely let go of the relationship with these people. Today, I finally understood what letting go means. I no longer am bothered about these people who constantly lied to me. Yes, Sarrah has cried too many ( unnecessary ) tears over these people but she has risen above. I've never liked to give up on people or to give up from savaging any friendships. However as I grew older, I realized who were that ones that were worth it and those who just wanted to use me.

Yes, I still love easily and am not afraid to know new people. I just learnt to filter out some emotions and attachments to people, to open my eyes and see who are the true friends that I want in my life. Yes of course I've forgiven the people who've hurt me, but I am just going my separate way now. I have found myself again and will start over with all the lessons learnt. I'm also slowly opening up to people and I have a small group of people in my inner circle whom I am thankful for, with no strings attached.

Thank you to all my friends who have helped me through this phase of my life, I am eternally grateful x

Walk with your mind,
Run with your heart. 

Questioning myself

Do you ever feel that what you do is never not enough? Like giving your all to do something or going all out to support someone is just never ever enough even if you've already given it your best shot? You see everyone around you that's supporting that same person but it just seems like they are doing a better job than you are? They do nicer cards, they go for more events, they get nicer gifts and they just... Do things better than you do.

I am the girl that has a protective and strict mum. Honestly, many gigs and events I go to, are all without her knowledge because out of 10 times I ask if I can go, probably only 1 or 2 times the answer is actually a YES. And yea, I am someone that really has NO artistic talent for drawing or designing, even my handwriting sucks. But yet I still put in a lot of effort to do cards. None of the cards I have done took less than an hour. And yes, of course I ask myself why I put so much effort when I could use the time studying or catching up on my sleep. But I still put in that much effort even though it doesn't turn out as nice as the cards other people do because I know that at the end of the day, IT IS WORTH IT. I am a girl that spends more than she has, but yet still always tells herself to get at least SOMETHING for that someone even if it means going hungry for the next week.I am the kind of girl that will still take time to be appreciative and do cards for people who don't give two shits about me. I am that 18 year old girl that wishes to be able to do everything well, BETTER.

Sometimes you ask yourself why you still go all out and be appreciative towards people you love - friends, family, celebrities, idols. Sometimes you ask yourself if it's worth it. Sometimes you ask yourself why you're still on the face of the earth.

I am the girl that has been hurt and betrayed by her so called " friends ", one that still tried to trust people despite everything and ends up getting disappointed because the same people that you love and treasure, just continues to hurt you. I am that girl that has tried to close one eye when her " friends " go behind her back and bitch about her, lie to her straight in her face, one that valued friendship more than anything. People always took advantage of me, and soon I find myself building up walls, trust no longer comes by easily. Yes I am still that outgoing and friendly person when getting to know someone but things are completely different.

Sometimes I ask myself why I love so easily, why I trusted too easily. Sometimes I ask myself why I am the one people think they can get away with bitching about. Sometimes I ask myself, WHY ME?

People always come up to me and say " woah you are so close to so many celebrities " and sometimes I have random people coming up to me and saying " hey you're sarrahhearts right? " at the most random places and events. I've had my friends now " friends " telling me I should stop going after all these celebrities and learn to appreciate the ones close to me and that I interact with on a more frequent basis. They said I should learn to be more appreciative of them. Yes, I did build relationships with my loved ones, I even did cards on a frequent basis to show them I appreciated them. But it never seemed enough. Me being me, I continued talking to celebrities and things would just continue going downhill.

Some people make it their life's mission to tear you down. They don't care if you're their friend. They try to bring you down to a lower level. But the fact they try to do that, it means that they are below you so don't ever stoop down to their level. If they're really your friends, they wouldn't be two-faced with you. Some people if they've hurt or lied to you before, they WILL do it again. Learn to be the bigger person and forgive them but ultimately it is YOUR choice if you could continue trusting them or being friends.

People walking come and go, 

They don't know you, they're so cold. 

Insecurities, Overthinking, Love.

Some people don't understand how bad insecurities and overthinking can really do to a person. Most of the times, its these exact reasons that drive people to end their life, falling into depression is common too. Insecurities can be as small as thinking you aren't good enough or hearing a group of people laughing when you walk past and think that its something you did. And most of the time insecurities are there because of the actions of people, the words of people. Soon, you find yourself thinking the worst of yourself, assuming every negative situation is your fault. Overthinking. One thing leads to another and everything just snowballs and you will find yourself in a place where you don't even have any glimpse of hope or positivity in your life. 

Everything is fake. The smiles so wide, the laughs so loud. You convince everyone that you are doing fine, that you're ok, that nothing can bring you down. Heck, sometimes you fake it so well till you're convinced yourself. But once you are at home, when you are in your room, when you sit on that window edge every night to think. EVERYTHING and I mean everything just crashes. The floods of tears won't stop, the blood from the scars won't stop the emotional hurts, the voices in your head won't shut up - sometimes real words from the people closest to you. 

You lose friendships, you lose love, you lose trust, you lose faith, you lose hope, you lose everything. Including yourself.

Sometimes all you need is for people to see that behind everything, you're a broken girl. Like how this broken girl tries to be there for people who feel down or going through though times, she herself needs someone to be there for here from time to time to. Don't just shove it aside and tell her to learn to be independent. For all you know the reason she's going crazy and driving herself insane without telling anyone anything at all is because she's been trying to be independent, So when she does go to you, it really means shes at the peak of really giving up once and for all. 

You don't know what people around you are going through. That girl on the street with a smile on her face while out with her friends may be having problems at home, that guy you see drinking every night might be trying to run away from reality that he's facing problems at work. 

Be kind to one another, don't treat anyone else the way you wouldn't want to be treated. Learn to love and be kind to others even if they don't deserve it. Learn to forgive even though you'll never forget. Learn to be the one to apologize first even though you aren't at fault - it shows that you treasure the other party more than your pride. Be the bigger person. It's not easy I know, I myself am still learning.

People may not see your efforts and sacrifices, but you just gotta keep going. Do it because you love them and not because you want to gain their approval or recognition. Do it, For Love. And remember to always, always. Take Heart. 

To the person that inspires me so much, you're the one who taught me to learn to love. Your words are the ones that pushes me to stay strong and to keep fighting. Our stories are similar in so many areas, our personality and thinking are similar as well. You are the one that taught me too pursue my dreams. If you do happen to see this, thank you for  everything. For sharing me your life story though you didn't have to, for always being so encouraging to me whenever I am feeling down. For the random mini chats and messages we had. You're such a strong fighter and I only hope to be like you one day. I love you so so much. Don't ever doubt yourself at what you do because you've inspired so many girls out there and I am so grateful to have known you. 

Life.

Did you ever put your heart, soul and mind into something and work extremely hard to achieve it but in the end it just backfires? Have you ever put so much into something but people don't see it because someone goes to them with some sort of talent and sacrifices don't even begin to matter anymore. Even the results of things aren't always positive. I guess that's just life, you don't always get what you want. 

No matter what you do behind the scenes, or even in front of them. People may not appreciate it. And these people always generalize, using words like " never " or " always " just because they don't see what you do or see it very few times. People sometimes even leave or turn their back on you. 

Sooner or later, you just find yourself giving up on the things that matter most or don't put in any more effort. You panic for awhile and try to get things back on track but then you get tired again, you sink in deeper and the cycle continues. 

Life sucks. People eventually die. And that's just all to it sometimes. Whether or not you want to make the best of it really is a choice to make. 

The past 3 months has honestly not been easy. Emotional roller coasters throughout, massive mood swings, insecurities at an all time high. I could have a really good day but end up crying all through the night, and vice versa. It's been really tough, especially putting on a fake smile and front, convincing everyone around me that I am absolutely fine.  Heck some times I really fake it so well I almost convinced myself too. The only thing I didn't fall back to doing was smoking, because a special someone told me to stop. Even though she is no longer talking to me much anymore. But everything else... I fell back into the pit deeper and more exhausted than ever. And I started to screw my life up. Studies, friends, family. Even the thing I love the most. It's crazy how so many things has changed just over the past 3 months that I don't even know who I am anymore. Trust has also become an issue.

Too much hurt and disappointments, that were mostly my fault. Too much pain emotionally that prolonged till it hurt physically. Too much mess and drama created to get out of. Too many voices in my head that I can't shut them up. Too many nights spent thinking about people who probably don't give two fucks about me anymore. 

If it hurts, bleed it out on this guitar

I'll translate all these emotions into song writing. I'll bleed it all out on my guitar. I'll still keep on fighting, not going to give up on life just yet. There are still people I care about that I'm not willing to say goodbye yet. I'll still continue to learn to love others and myself no matter who they are or what happens. Because what I learnt about love, I learnt from that one person who inspires me so much. If you happen to see this, you know I love you so so much. 

Cards, Gifts and Appreciation.

I've always been a girl that loves to receive stuff. Be it a card, a gift or even a little note. That's partly the reason I love to do cards for others too. And my mum would always say: " You do so many cards for people, you yourself also don't get back much " and I admit, I do feel hurt some times when I don't get back any cards or gifts but what matters is THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS right? Well, I am still learning to not expect anything in return la. I'm human and I'm not perfect right? Hahahah xD My mum would also always say that " You do for people, you think they will keep? Even if they keep, one day they will surely throw away. So you put in so much effort for what? " Well, I don't know about others but I have kept each and every card that has been given to me since 2009: Be it Christmas cards, Birthday cards, appreciation letters etc. The only reason I don't have someone's card is cause I misplaced it in my room. Somewhere... But I definitely won't throw away anything that was given to me.

It's Christmas again and I'm just so thankful for the people around me. As the years pass, I do get lesser cards. But today, I've learnt that being able to spend time with the people you love and treasure the most is so much more important than the cards and gifts. This Christmas, all I want is to be able to do just that with the people I love - spending quality time with them.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Judgements and Words

I've neglected this space for 2 months and now I'm back with an issue that is affecting me quite a lot. This is just my point of view so please bear with me if you don't think the same way.

So I'm sure all of us judge people. That guy with a tattoo on the bus, the girl with really short hair, the person with a black face on the bus.  All of us will create an impression of people, no matter if they're strangers or someone we are getting to know. To me, I find that it is perfectly fine because I'd be lying if I said that I don't judge people. Of course it is best to not stereotype or judge others based on their appearances but no matter how hard we try, sometimes we are bound to make mistakes because afterall, we are human. However what really pisses me off is that towards people you get to know ( a friend or someone at a social gathering ) or someone you are supporting ( be it a musician, a blogger or a youtuber ) , sometimes people base it on that first impression they don't truly get to know the person better or understand the person and then they start thinking that oh, this person is this, this person is that... ALL BASED ON THAT FIRST IMPRESSION. Yes, I agree sometimes people need to change to give others a more accurate first impression of us. But shouldn't we as fellow human beings give others a chance at getting to know someone and understanding them?

Personally, I am the kind of girl that if I meet you for the very first time I am either 1) very hyper and sociable or 2) super awkward and don't talk to you at all till a later time or 3) super emotional, sensitive and all that comes out of my mouth are negative stuff. Call me fake, call me two faced or call me moody. All of us have times we behave differently in different situations. Lets take scenario 1 as an example: I'm very hyper and sociable. Those who like it will start questioning me when I am emotional and say " you weren't like that when I first met you " and those who don't? They won't even bother to get to know you better as they already dislike you just because you're " different "
Like come on guys, everyone has times when they behave differently. No one is happy for their entire life. Similarly, no one is perfect that they don't ever commit mistakes.

This brings me to my next point. Mistakes. We are all human. We all are bound to make mistakes. Famous or not. Rich or poor. Male or Female. EVERYONE makes mistakes at least once in their lifetime. Some mistakes more serious then others, but no doubt are still mistakes. A girl cheating on her boyfriend VS a husband cheating on his wife. Both are the same mistake in 2 different situations with 2 different severity and consequences. Does that mean one should be pardoned and the other punished? No. In both situations, those who commit the mistake must face the music. So. Mistakes. Recently, Naomi blogged about how she cheated on Jianhao that was part of the reason they broke up and it sparked a really huge commotion. Like yes it's probably her fault but at least she had the courage to actually step up and admit it. And also, she isn't the only girl in the world that has cheated on someone. So why is it that when others do it its just a small number of people criticising them. But when a famous blogger does it, it's suddenly such a big deal. A blogger but no doubt human too. It's not like she's God or that she's perfect. So give it a break. And also, stop tweeting " are you going to get back with Jianhao if you have a chance? " or " but you two were so cute together. " There's always a phase for everything. Just like some people will be in your life now but probably not in the near future. So similarly, don't put your so called expectations on this. And then start judging them when they don't reach that expectation.

People don't realise that their words mean weight to others. A simple " oh I thought you were better than this " can really stay with a person forever. The person will start putting pressure on herself and start comparing herself up others and will feel inferior if she thinks she's worse off than others. Once, someone told me " Everyone will have have someone in their life for tough times. But you? No one will ever be there for you. " 4 years ago. Till now, it still haunts me and I do look down on myself because of that sentence.

To everyone out there, don't judge a book by its cover. It's cliche but it's so true. Learn to love others. Learn to listen. Learn to get to know someone. Truthfully. Sincerely. Without any judge mental eyes because judgements you based on first impression can be significantly different from who they really are.

I must've called a thousand times 

To tell you sorry for everything that I've done 

Suicide

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and it is really frightening to even have such a day because of the amount of suicide cases have been growing. Even if it's just one suicide case, it is such a tragic thing as people end their lives or attempt to end their life be it because of stress, pressure, problems or insecurities.
If you have not heard, there is a suicide awareness campaign by Samaritans of Singapore. Throughout the day, there were volunteers at various MRT stations across Singapore were giving out plasters with the words #howru .

 

Many local icons and artistes has taken part in this campaign such as Benjamin and Narelle Kheng from The Sam Willows, Mediacorp actress Oon ShuAn and Jayley Woo and many others like Shigga Shay and Hirzi.These people are well known and used their influence and the fact that people look up to them to help spread awareness and support this campaign.

 

Suicide so real to me

Personally, I have been struggling a lot with depression, suicide and hurting myself. I was bullied in primary school, ostracized and left out in secondary school with loads of rumors that made me look like the bad person and to add on, the stress of studies and pressure from teachers and at home didn't help. To make things worse, so many people especially those I held so dear and treasured so much and treasured so dear left. One by one I saw them leave as they stopped caring and stopped understanding why I was who I was. It was crazy to cope with everything. And I turned to the knife. Everyone saw it as attention seeking and as it was easier to say it was then to admit I was really hurting and everyone just brushed it aside. Even up till now in Poly I still struggle with it every single day. Thankfully I've been blessed with friends and people who cared and continued to help me through the tough times and never gave up on me no matter how negative I was, no matter how emotional I am, even when I myself totally gave up hope. Even though sometimes these people left, I am still thankful that I had someone there for me. It isn't easy to go through all of this, it isn't easy to feel all alone in the world, it isn't easy with all those insecurities and pent up emotions. I know what it is like to go through shit. I've had my fair share of problems even though I go to school with all smiles. I know how it is easier to say "I'm fine" than "I'm hurting" because more often then not, people don't truly care or end up turning their back on you. Yes, I have turned to suicide and hurting myself so many times, even now. But I am staying strong. Now, I do things to make me happy and I look for inspirational quotes and remember what the people I hold so dear to my heart has told me to get me through. And I am also doing my best to be there for my friends through their tough times, no matter how they have treated me in the past or if I am close to the person or not.

 

 

Suicide is something so real yet often overlooked upon. A simple " How are you? " and showing concern to someone can make someone feel less alone and take their minds off things while getting a chance to let them share what they need to get off their chest.

If you've friends or family who has been feeling down lately or you know he/she is having a bad day, don't overlook it that " oh it's just life " or tell them that " everything will be ok " without understanding how they feet or what they are going through. Personally, I've been struggling with this for years and I'm thankful to be blessed with people who at some point of time really helped me through and inspired me to be a stronger and better person. And more often then not, we always brush aside these feelings be it for attention or just telling the person to look on the brighter side of life. It's much more than that. To everyone reading this, show your concern cause you never know what someone is really going through, and you might just save a life.

 

" Don't wait and wish that you could've changed things for someone; if you see someone you think is sinking, reach for them with everything you've got. "

- Benjamin Kheng