Toxic Relationships

So its been the longest time since I blogged and I am finally out of my hiatus - well at least for now. I know this topic might be heavy, or you may feel that this truth may hit you hard. But here are just my two cents worth. Do bare with me and carry on reading (:

So, there are a few levels when it comes to this.

1. Idolization 

The first level: relationships between you and an " idol " you look up to. This person can be an actor/actress, musician, youtuber etc. Sometimes this person is a good influence for you, you find yourself changing for the better, you learn life lessons from them. But there are always two sides to every situation. Just as looking up to idols has its pros, there are definitely cons. Trust me, when it comes to these kinda things I do know how it feels. I have had my fair share of having toxic relationships with idols. When you start questioning your self-worth because you can't be like this person; when you feel that the time, effort and money you invest into them isn't enough. When you start missing this person and you almost always feeling down because of this person. Going for every single event or gig ( or most of it ) hoping you'll " mean something " to these idols. Even if it just means that they recognize you in a crowd of people. 

2. Friendships

The second level: relationships between you and the people you surround yourself with - your friends. As hard as it is to accept, yes friendships can be toxic too. Signs of it being toxic? Well.. You find yourself asking if everything you do for them is worth it, you find that its always one sided when it comes to you being there when each other are down. You find out that they are two-faced - in front of you they are nice and friendly ( probably because they want something from you ) yet behind your back they say all kinds of nasty stuff and even try to to " spoil your name " with other people whom know you as well. Yes, its hard to admit to yourself and its even harder to let it go completely. But sometimes when you've a lot on your plate already, the last thing you need is toxic friendships. Sometimes letting go is better than holding on

3. Relationships

The next level: relationships between you and your other half. Ok honestly I don't really know much about this because I've only been in 2 relationships but I feel the need to talk about this seeing some of my friends going through it. For starters, if you two cannot be truthful with each other its probably already a sign that the relationship is toxic. From what I know, whether or not its for the " better good " that your other half does not know is not up to you to decide. The truth hurts yes, but its always better than a lie. I've seen how lies have torn relationships apart or even drive people to do things that would hurt the other party even more.

" If you wanna get well you gotta be stronger than this "

At the end of the day, toxic relationships with anyone at all, does more harm than good. ALWAYS. I am thankful that I've friends who've helped me realized this and I am immensely grateful to the true friends that I know I can trust and be vulnerable with. I've learnt over the years that in life you don't need to have a ton of friends, but just a handful whom you know won't betray you is way more than enough. I've so much more to say about this but I shall leave it for another blog post. 

Thankful

So I haven't blogged in the longest time. Been busy with tons of stuff, but just thought I'd do an update. So many things have happened since my last post - stopped going to church, lost some very close people, made some mistakes, screwed a lot of things up, learning life lessons the hard way etc. And even though there has been so many down moments, there definitely has been the most heartwarming and thankful moments that keep me going through the tough times.

It's been a hell of a ride, and it definitely hasn't been a bed of roses. But it;s through these experiences where I've met people whom I know I can trust 100%, people who understand how I felt when I thought I was all alone, people who never stopped believing in me even when I stopped believing in myself. The trust from some people towards me really taught me so much, especially when I am one with a ton of trust issues. I've also learnt to look beyond the surface when interacting with and getting to know people. Everyone has their own stories, their own down times, their own struggles. Smiles and laughters can all be faked. And don't just look at people a certain way because of the way they are on social media because its a very superficial platform as well. Take me for an example - my social media is all " fine " and " happy " but there are definitely not so pretty things that I no longer share so openly. 

Someone said to me...

" When you learn to look at people for their hearts, you'd find good people. Because you have a good heart, you'd definitely find good people if you keep going at this place. "

I am learning, every single day. Learning how to be a better me, a better version of me. And I just want to say THANK YOU to the people that inspire me, you know who you are. Thank you for always being there, and knowing when I am feeling down even when I don't say anything and it's just by the way I text. 

 "We can't change the hand of cards that we're dealt with in life, but we can choose how to play the cards we're given. Choose with care and couth "

Heart Is Full.

Supposed to be asleep but insomnia keeping me up so I thought I'd blog. Met a friend for breakfast this morning - spent about an hour to 2 hours with her but my heart is so full. I've always been one who always shared about things going on in my life to just about everyone, but as I grew older things happen and I changed - a little more withdrawn and don't share much. And even when I do, it may not be out of pure intentions. Today I really felt so loved and encouraged - I knew that I wasn't alone in this. Shared about life, shared about our experiences and just being transparent with each other. I've learnt so much about love, life and even about God.

Mornings are never my thing - I'm always moody and I don't like talking. But today was different somehow. Sleep deprived but it was definitely worth it because today was the first time in a long while that I didn't break down or feel emotional at all, even now as I am typing this. My friend shared about what happened to her before, and I never really knew how much she's been through because I've always been attached to her and when we met in the past, it was always about me and me " complaining " about life and etc.Her stories really empowered me I guess and I started having ( a little ) faith again.

My heart is so full from today and I can only say how thankful I am that God placed certain people in my life. Slowly learning and coming back to He's First Love. Learning to break down these walls I've built around myself that I've been so scared to knock down. May I learn to see the purpose you've let me go through this phase and give me the wisdom to learn and grow from it.

" You make all things, Work together for my good. "

LOVE.

If you don't already know me, I've always been one who chased celebs - muscians, actors etc etc. And to be honest, I've put some of these "famous" people on a higher pedestal than my own friends. Scroll through my Instagram and more than half my posts are with celebs. It's been an issue for me the past 3 years. From just starting to know local celebs, to going crazy over 987 DJs, it then expanded to radio DJs in general. Not forgetting actresses and of course mainly, the local music scene. Not even gonna lie, I myself feel that I can get obssessed over chasing certain celebs. Its just a thing for me I guess. To crave for affirmation. And when these celebs they know and recognize you - that feeling you know you can't shake it off. I never noticed how out of hand it had been till writing this post.

But this post won't be about any celeb nor will it be me fangirling over people.

The past 4 months have been extremely tough for me. If you know why, you are one special person because I don't speak out much now. But yes, It's been the toughest season and I just had one of the roughest day ever - Sunday, 20 November 2016. 37 hours without sleep, had an emotional breakdown in church before 9 hours at work. It was a day I am glad its over. That feeling from yesterday spilled over to today. Woke up feeling worse than at night. But that isn't the main point.

Yesterday taught me so much. I've lost trust in people and am wary of anyone I know, especially those who try to break the walls I've built. I've built walls so high to keep others out, and now it keeps me in. I'm afraid of breaking these walls down, and even more afraid of people who attempt to break them down. Never liked being alone, but I've isolated myself for awhile now. But I am so thankful for friends who pull me back together whilst I'm falling apart. And it made me realize how much I've neglected the people I care about because I was so caught up chasing celebs. Broke down so hard yesterday and I felt so lost - Why was I feeling how I felt? Why was I even crying? What was happening to me? What's wrong with me? One thing led to another and I literally lost my mind. Thankfully, a close friend was there for me and she was encouraging me and gave me strength. I was a wreck. But still she didn't give up on me. For the first time in a long while, I felt loved. Her hug was so warm, it melted the ice cold heart of mine. And she's been the one that helped me through a ton all these years despite the mistakes I've made and the occasions when I hurt her.

Yesterday taught me to value my friends. That I should always be appreciative of the people who care about me. That I shouldn't keep focusing my time just on chasing idols but to really spend time with the ones close to me. I've always loved doing cards because I love receiving them, but just doing cards isn't enough I guess. A friendship has to be built based on trust and getting to know each other. And being vulnerable should never make one feel weak.

Yesterday taught me that I am loved. I've always felt left out, that I'm the odd one out, that I'm "extra", even if it's jut in my head. But she reminded me that I was loved, no matter how I felt or how much I blamed myself. It was what really pulled me back I guess.

Yesterday taught me that I need to learn to love myself. Ask anyone who knows me, and they will agree with me when I say that I've struggled with self love for the longest time. I have no trouble loving on others. I am more than willing to do anything or spend on gifts for the people I love and care about. But when it comes to myself? It's the total opposite. I can't even look at myself in the mirror for more than 5 seconds because I will feel disgusted at myself. I'm not even willing to spend on getting something simple like a pen for myself. I don't know why it has always been a struggle. Heck, I don't know if it's a good thing or a a bad thing. Someone important to me once said " You're one of the few people I know that is so selfless with such enthusiasm. I hope you never let that go. You've learnt to love others more than you love yourself and that's not an easy thing to come by. "  but if I guess you can't truly and fully love someone you love yourself right?

Treasure the people you love and care about - be it you friends, your family, or your other half. Because at the end of the day, they will always be the ones there for you and not those idols that you chase.

Moving On

Hey guys! So my past few posts have been rather emotional ones and was me having a heavy heart. But today's post I promise will be of a different note! Though it'll be a short one.

Moving on - 18 years, so many ups and downs. Been in a valley for the longest time, where words mattered so much, where actions of others proved to me that I could not trust, where people brought out the ugly side of me. I've had an issue where I would blame myself for everything, trying to fight for people who won't even move an inch for me, trying to console myself that some people will ALWAYS be worth it. 2 months ago, I started a drama - necessary nonetheless. At first I would wish that I just shut up, pretend I didn't know some stuff. But hey, I've learnt a lot from the whole incident. I still tried to savage the friendships, I still tried to make up for what I did, and people would continue to affect me, every single little detail mattered in life. To the point I felt miserable and even lost myself. I would get jealous just seeing pictures of these " friends " together and sometimes still tried to be there for them when I saw them feeling down. But still time and again I only got more scars and disappointments just kept coming. Looking back, I have no regrets.

Today, I am happy to say that I have finally moved on. Today, I can say I have completely let go of the relationship with these people. Today, I finally understood what letting go means. I no longer am bothered about these people who constantly lied to me. Yes, Sarrah has cried too many ( unnecessary ) tears over these people but she has risen above. I've never liked to give up on people or to give up from savaging any friendships. However as I grew older, I realized who were that ones that were worth it and those who just wanted to use me.

Yes, I still love easily and am not afraid to know new people. I just learnt to filter out some emotions and attachments to people, to open my eyes and see who are the true friends that I want in my life. Yes of course I've forgiven the people who've hurt me, but I am just going my separate way now. I have found myself again and will start over with all the lessons learnt. I'm also slowly opening up to people and I have a small group of people in my inner circle whom I am thankful for, with no strings attached.

Thank you to all my friends who have helped me through this phase of my life, I am eternally grateful x

Walk with your mind,
Run with your heart. 

Questioning myself

Do you ever feel that what you do is never not enough? Like giving your all to do something or going all out to support someone is just never ever enough even if you've already given it your best shot? You see everyone around you that's supporting that same person but it just seems like they are doing a better job than you are? They do nicer cards, they go for more events, they get nicer gifts and they just... Do things better than you do.

I am the girl that has a protective and strict mum. Honestly, many gigs and events I go to, are all without her knowledge because out of 10 times I ask if I can go, probably only 1 or 2 times the answer is actually a YES. And yea, I am someone that really has NO artistic talent for drawing or designing, even my handwriting sucks. But yet I still put in a lot of effort to do cards. None of the cards I have done took less than an hour. And yes, of course I ask myself why I put so much effort when I could use the time studying or catching up on my sleep. But I still put in that much effort even though it doesn't turn out as nice as the cards other people do because I know that at the end of the day, IT IS WORTH IT. I am a girl that spends more than she has, but yet still always tells herself to get at least SOMETHING for that someone even if it means going hungry for the next week.I am the kind of girl that will still take time to be appreciative and do cards for people who don't give two shits about me. I am that 18 year old girl that wishes to be able to do everything well, BETTER.

Sometimes you ask yourself why you still go all out and be appreciative towards people you love - friends, family, celebrities, idols. Sometimes you ask yourself if it's worth it. Sometimes you ask yourself why you're still on the face of the earth.

I am the girl that has been hurt and betrayed by her so called " friends ", one that still tried to trust people despite everything and ends up getting disappointed because the same people that you love and treasure, just continues to hurt you. I am that girl that has tried to close one eye when her " friends " go behind her back and bitch about her, lie to her straight in her face, one that valued friendship more than anything. People always took advantage of me, and soon I find myself building up walls, trust no longer comes by easily. Yes I am still that outgoing and friendly person when getting to know someone but things are completely different.

Sometimes I ask myself why I love so easily, why I trusted too easily. Sometimes I ask myself why I am the one people think they can get away with bitching about. Sometimes I ask myself, WHY ME?

People always come up to me and say " woah you are so close to so many celebrities " and sometimes I have random people coming up to me and saying " hey you're sarrahhearts right? " at the most random places and events. I've had my friends now " friends " telling me I should stop going after all these celebrities and learn to appreciate the ones close to me and that I interact with on a more frequent basis. They said I should learn to be more appreciative of them. Yes, I did build relationships with my loved ones, I even did cards on a frequent basis to show them I appreciated them. But it never seemed enough. Me being me, I continued talking to celebrities and things would just continue going downhill.

Some people make it their life's mission to tear you down. They don't care if you're their friend. They try to bring you down to a lower level. But the fact they try to do that, it means that they are below you so don't ever stoop down to their level. If they're really your friends, they wouldn't be two-faced with you. Some people if they've hurt or lied to you before, they WILL do it again. Learn to be the bigger person and forgive them but ultimately it is YOUR choice if you could continue trusting them or being friends.

People walking come and go, 

They don't know you, they're so cold. 

Insecurities, Overthinking, Love.

Some people don't understand how bad insecurities and overthinking can really do to a person. Most of the times, its these exact reasons that drive people to end their life, falling into depression is common too. Insecurities can be as small as thinking you aren't good enough or hearing a group of people laughing when you walk past and think that its something you did. And most of the time insecurities are there because of the actions of people, the words of people. Soon, you find yourself thinking the worst of yourself, assuming every negative situation is your fault. Overthinking. One thing leads to another and everything just snowballs and you will find yourself in a place where you don't even have any glimpse of hope or positivity in your life. 

Everything is fake. The smiles so wide, the laughs so loud. You convince everyone that you are doing fine, that you're ok, that nothing can bring you down. Heck, sometimes you fake it so well till you're convinced yourself. But once you are at home, when you are in your room, when you sit on that window edge every night to think. EVERYTHING and I mean everything just crashes. The floods of tears won't stop, the blood from the scars won't stop the emotional hurts, the voices in your head won't shut up - sometimes real words from the people closest to you. 

You lose friendships, you lose love, you lose trust, you lose faith, you lose hope, you lose everything. Including yourself.

Sometimes all you need is for people to see that behind everything, you're a broken girl. Like how this broken girl tries to be there for people who feel down or going through though times, she herself needs someone to be there for here from time to time to. Don't just shove it aside and tell her to learn to be independent. For all you know the reason she's going crazy and driving herself insane without telling anyone anything at all is because she's been trying to be independent, So when she does go to you, it really means shes at the peak of really giving up once and for all. 

You don't know what people around you are going through. That girl on the street with a smile on her face while out with her friends may be having problems at home, that guy you see drinking every night might be trying to run away from reality that he's facing problems at work. 

Be kind to one another, don't treat anyone else the way you wouldn't want to be treated. Learn to love and be kind to others even if they don't deserve it. Learn to forgive even though you'll never forget. Learn to be the one to apologize first even though you aren't at fault - it shows that you treasure the other party more than your pride. Be the bigger person. It's not easy I know, I myself am still learning.

People may not see your efforts and sacrifices, but you just gotta keep going. Do it because you love them and not because you want to gain their approval or recognition. Do it, For Love. And remember to always, always. Take Heart. 

To the person that inspires me so much, you're the one who taught me to learn to love. Your words are the ones that pushes me to stay strong and to keep fighting. Our stories are similar in so many areas, our personality and thinking are similar as well. You are the one that taught me too pursue my dreams. If you do happen to see this, thank you for  everything. For sharing me your life story though you didn't have to, for always being so encouraging to me whenever I am feeling down. For the random mini chats and messages we had. You're such a strong fighter and I only hope to be like you one day. I love you so so much. Don't ever doubt yourself at what you do because you've inspired so many girls out there and I am so grateful to have known you.